I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
