wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
