consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
