I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
