Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
