I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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