I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The uberlube is also flammable
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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