why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
