Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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