if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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