So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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