My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
