I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So many bounce houses so little time
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize