did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
