I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I would ride that face into the sunset
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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