I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
even my farts smell like vagina
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
