I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
