My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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