I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
