You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
