she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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