I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
