How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
