Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize
