Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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