I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
