I hate all girls vehemently.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
