My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
