im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
