Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
