bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
