just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
PANTIES FOUND
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
