My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
