dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize