I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
