I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize