In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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