It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
