Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
True college students do jello shots in the library
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize