Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
