I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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