So many bounce houses so little time
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
