i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
