Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
