You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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