Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
