ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
