we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
