I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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