just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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