Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
