eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
