I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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