It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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