What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
