Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
