Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
