his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
