god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
