I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
