Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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